也许是在这个城市住久了的关系，觉得自己越变越黑暗。
可以感觉自己平时脸上是没有笑容的，尤其是自己一个人静静坐在地铁上的时候。
有时候觉得自己脸上木无表情，或者眼神充满怨恨，对很多事情的绝望。不管原因是什么，我心中的癫狂很波澜却是难以掩饰得住的。
自从她回来过后见到她那么多次，虽然自己感觉很深，却不断地觉得自己是个白痴。到现在她还是有所保留，这一点我自己非常清楚，我还需要浪费时间等吗？还是要一直坚定地不屈不挠？
是不是人生每一件事情都是一场赌注？如果是的话，在赌注里面有没有办法识别哪个是比较有信心的投注？
我的心非常灰，眼神非常昏暗。
真想这一晚一醉到天亮...
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Christmas/New Year...
yes...
christmas...new year...hanukkah...
all the same season...almost back to back...
what have i achieved this year nigga?
oh, i went home twice this year, one time for my chinese new year since i came to yankeeland, and another time is my first time people flew me back home to perform...
i played multiple times in malaysian jazz clubs, having my own show, which was something that i dreamt of...
managed to survive the cruel summer, though it's by escaping home...
managed to get my artist visa...
managed to play with some of the best jazz musicians...
getting joget jazz together with nicholas my buddy...
but...
where's the girl part?
i dunno...
hey AM, u listening to me?
i'm calling out for you!
i know you don't hear me, but i will keep on calling!
merry christmas and happy new year...
christmas...new year...hanukkah...
all the same season...almost back to back...
what have i achieved this year nigga?
oh, i went home twice this year, one time for my chinese new year since i came to yankeeland, and another time is my first time people flew me back home to perform...
i played multiple times in malaysian jazz clubs, having my own show, which was something that i dreamt of...
managed to survive the cruel summer, though it's by escaping home...
managed to get my artist visa...
managed to play with some of the best jazz musicians...
getting joget jazz together with nicholas my buddy...
but...
where's the girl part?
i dunno...
hey AM, u listening to me?
i'm calling out for you!
i know you don't hear me, but i will keep on calling!
merry christmas and happy new year...
Friday, December 21, 2007
That old man in the movie theatre...
Show's over, lights were on...
He yelled at me from behind, "Where do you play? Are you in school or performing?"
Told him I'm a freelancer and I play everywhere.
He said, "I'm a keyboard player, that's why I asked,"
"You a union member?"
No.
"It's tough isn't it?"
Yes, but it's alright.
"The best part is there are only 4000 of us and 1000 jobs for all of us."
The challenege is the fun part though.
"Not until you're 60."
I saw his bags and untidy feature, realised he was a homeless.
"Enjoy your challenege all you want for now, but you'll see what would happen to you when you're my age."
Yeah, thank you very much.
He yelled at me from behind, "Where do you play? Are you in school or performing?"
Told him I'm a freelancer and I play everywhere.
He said, "I'm a keyboard player, that's why I asked,"
"You a union member?"
No.
"It's tough isn't it?"
Yes, but it's alright.
"The best part is there are only 4000 of us and 1000 jobs for all of us."
The challenege is the fun part though.
"Not until you're 60."
I saw his bags and untidy feature, realised he was a homeless.
"Enjoy your challenege all you want for now, but you'll see what would happen to you when you're my age."
Yeah, thank you very much.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Like an action thriller...
Sometimes the life of freelancing does not only involve yourself but other people too. It involves people around you as well.
For example: You will need to make full use of your own network of friends and people when you're in seriously urgent needs.
I took a last minute gig the other day to play for a church on Sunday (yesterday) and was supposed to rush over to Bitter End to play a singer/songwriter gig.
To my horror, in the last half hour before I left my house to go to 74 St station to meet up my contact person Leo, I found out that I had to take a 7.34pm train to go to Grand Central after the gig and I had to spend 1 and a half hours on the train which is just UNACCEPTABLE!
Now what?
I started to call my housemate Chen Han, who happened to be in Flushing hanging with his buddy that time. "Dude uh...can you come back right now?"
He said, "W..what's goin' on??"
I went, "I need you to sub for me right now."
So he actually took the first subway train he could catch to rush back home. I could actually see him running outside the window. I went downstairs to open the doors for him, and he ran up and changed his clothes without even closing his door (kinda funny). Grabbed his violin and music stand and ran downstairs to the subway station.
I said, "I will give you the contact's number but now run! I will call you on the train!"
So he did, and I gave him Leo's number while he's on the subway.
Finally after a while, he called back, saying that "I'm in."
Damn, everything happened in less than 30 minutes. It's so fast it felt like an action thriller!
For example: You will need to make full use of your own network of friends and people when you're in seriously urgent needs.
I took a last minute gig the other day to play for a church on Sunday (yesterday) and was supposed to rush over to Bitter End to play a singer/songwriter gig.
To my horror, in the last half hour before I left my house to go to 74 St station to meet up my contact person Leo, I found out that I had to take a 7.34pm train to go to Grand Central after the gig and I had to spend 1 and a half hours on the train which is just UNACCEPTABLE!
Now what?
I started to call my housemate Chen Han, who happened to be in Flushing hanging with his buddy that time. "Dude uh...can you come back right now?"
He said, "W..what's goin' on??"
I went, "I need you to sub for me right now."
So he actually took the first subway train he could catch to rush back home. I could actually see him running outside the window. I went downstairs to open the doors for him, and he ran up and changed his clothes without even closing his door (kinda funny). Grabbed his violin and music stand and ran downstairs to the subway station.
I said, "I will give you the contact's number but now run! I will call you on the train!"
So he did, and I gave him Leo's number while he's on the subway.
Finally after a while, he called back, saying that "I'm in."
Damn, everything happened in less than 30 minutes. It's so fast it felt like an action thriller!
Sunday, December 09, 2007
6am
Finally got home from Akim's gig...
It was a crazy party in a loft. It's divided into three sections with different vibe in each of them. We played in the main space, a DJ took over us after we were done playing 45 minutes. Mostly improv tonight, except the last song. It was fun.
I guess I'm luckier than most of my friends who spend their whole time digging dead composers' graves, cuz I get to see crazy shit like this in a regular basis. But of course, what other people would have privilege to have, I don't have, eg. a relationship.
It was kinda drizzling outside, I was walking alone, a gentle flow of alcohol still in my veins.
Walking down from the train station, Colombian vendors have already started selling milk with rice. A new day is dawning, and I just got home.
在这么一个平静的清晨，我又开始在想她了。
想知道她睡得好不好。
想知道她有没有做梦。做的什么梦。梦里有誰。有没有我...
6am, I'm still awake on my bed...
It was a crazy party in a loft. It's divided into three sections with different vibe in each of them. We played in the main space, a DJ took over us after we were done playing 45 minutes. Mostly improv tonight, except the last song. It was fun.
I guess I'm luckier than most of my friends who spend their whole time digging dead composers' graves, cuz I get to see crazy shit like this in a regular basis. But of course, what other people would have privilege to have, I don't have, eg. a relationship.
It was kinda drizzling outside, I was walking alone, a gentle flow of alcohol still in my veins.
Walking down from the train station, Colombian vendors have already started selling milk with rice. A new day is dawning, and I just got home.
在这么一个平静的清晨，我又开始在想她了。
想知道她睡得好不好。
想知道她有没有做梦。做的什么梦。梦里有誰。有没有我...
6am, I'm still awake on my bed...
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